Things White People Like.

Promising to Learn a New Language

Throughout history, white people have a pretty poor record when it comes to promises to others (see Native Americans, for example). Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises they will never keep only to themselves. Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises. But the most common self-improvement promise is to learn a new language.

This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency. For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over-pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly, this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”