Things White People Like.

The Onion

Before you being hanging around with white people, you should know that all white humor comes from three sources: The Simpsons, Monty Python, and the Onion. If you are not presently familiar with the Onion, you should visit TheOnion.com immediately, as it is essential in your development and cultivation of white friendships. Without knowledge of the Onion, your conversations with white people will be boring, humorless, and unlikely to lead anywhere productive.

At any given time a white person has hundreds of Onion headlines memorized and ready for deployment into a conversation. In fact, it is impossible to talk to a white person for more than one hour without hearing “that reminds me of the Onion article..” In order to remain a viable part of that conversation it is essential that you are able to quickly suggest a related, but different, Onion article on a similar subject. Dong so will show the white person you are smart and have a good sense of humor.