Things White People Like.

Antioxidants

After organic, the easiest way to sell a foodstuff to a white person is to make the claim that it contains antioxidants. Pomegranate juice, wine, blueberries, dark chocolate — it doesn’t matter! All that matters is that white people are now petrified of being oxidized and will eat whatever they are told to prevent it.

Be careful — unlike other white things, it is not a good idea to ask them what antioxidants do. This is because they do not know.

Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside

White people love to be outside. But not everyone knows that another thing they like to do is make people feel bad for wanting to watch sports on TV or play video games. While it would be easy to get angry at white people for this, remember it is hardwired in their head that the greatest thing a person can do in their free time is to hike, walk or bike outdoors.

Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy some downtime and they will say, “Hey, let’s go for a hike in the park.” Most people will say, “Hey, thanks, but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond, “Don’t be a lump on the couch; you’re wasting your life away,” etc. If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.

Barack Obama

White people like Barack Obama because if they don’t, they will be accused of being racist.

Other interesting facts:

• He is the most t-shirt-friendly president in history (sorry, McKinley).
• His mother was a graduate student for more than twelve years.
• The Toyota Prius now ships with an Obama sticker pre-attached

*Side Note: I’m white and I absolutely HATE obama ahaha and I’m not even racist.*

Farmer’s Markets

White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.

White people like farmer’s markets for a number of reasons: it’s outside (they love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, this is a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.

If you are looking for an activity in which you can share with your white friends, nothing will progress the relationship faster than a trip to the farmer’s market.

For the lack of updates. My cousin died this week and I’ve been a little ehh plus I’ve been busy with school. About to update now.

Diversity

White people love ethnic diversity, but only as it relates to restaurants. Many white people from cities like Los Angeles, San Francisco, and New York will spend hours talking about how great it is that they can get sushi and tacos on the same street. But they will also send their kids to private school with other rich white kids so that they can avoid the “low test scores” that come with educational diversity. It’s important to note that white people do not like to be called out on this fact. It will make them feel even more guilty then they already do.

If you run an ethnic restaurant you can be guaranteed repeat business and huge tips if you act like your white customers are adventurous and cultured for eating food that isn’t sandwiches or pasta. In fact, even if you do not own a restaurant, it is a good idea to congratulate white people for being adventurous eaters. It will make their year.

Organic Food

Because of the balance of global wealth and power, there is a general assumption that white people are pretty shrewd. And for the most part, history has proven this to be true. But white people have one great weakness: organic food.

Just like farmer’s markets, white people believe that organic food is grown by farmers who wear overalls, drive tractors, and don’t use pesticides. In spite of the fact that most organic food is made by major agribusiness and they just use it as an excuse to jack up prices, white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow, there would be mass starvation and famine.

White people don’t care about this. As long as they aren’t eating pesticides, they are pretty sure they can live forever.

Sorry I’ve been really busy with things. Starting today, I will be updating daily.

Assists

When you say the word “assist,” the first thing you think of is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, it’s no secret.

In basketball, passing is a kind of a must so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapper — yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.

One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. But more importantly, makes them feel good to help others.

When you are captain at a pick-up basketball game and you want to take a lot of shots, it’s a good idea to pick a white guy. He’ll pass to you.

Film Festivals

White people can’t get enough of film festivals, especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. This love can be due to a number of factors:

• 90 percent of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.
• White people like feeling smart without doing work — two hours in a theater is easier than ten hours with a book.
• 75 percent of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/directors at some point.

• White people hate stuff that is “mainstream,” so they go to film festivals where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see.

It’s a pretty sweet way to rebel, and it is required by white person law that you publicly declare that foreign cinema is better than Hollywood cinema and on par with indie film.